May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
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Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
The future is now.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show