May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
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judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
this is the best day of my life
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
i’m so sick of this guy