Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

My whole life was a lie.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

Brb my Sims are getting married

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through