Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

Butt weight. There’s more!

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had