Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement