May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?