May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
The little toadstool has spoken.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario