May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
🍂🕷️🍂
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE