May have had one breakfast too many
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*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted