Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners