May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
You Might Also Like
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
This did not end as expected.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.