may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
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So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Skills
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
What?!?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
*limbos away from your hug*
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video