may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
You Might Also Like
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
OH. COME. ON.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Kermit goes Blue.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”