Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

he chose this

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Meme Monday.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…