Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Every work call, he judges.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.