May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
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I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
It’s an epidemic…
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.