Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?