“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
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THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
this could fix me
