Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

also my go-to takeaway order

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets