Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

#math

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.