Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”