May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
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Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Saturday
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
This has made my week.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.