May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
You Might Also Like
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Breakfast in bed.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …