May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
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Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
For the baby who has everything
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me