May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
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When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now