May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
You Might Also Like
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.