May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
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WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
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Liquor Store Parking
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?