May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅