May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
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Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
This fish is cracking me up
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
*bites zombie*
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.