May never get over this
You Might Also Like
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances