May never get over this
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
This squirrel eats better than I do
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.