Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Stop

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad