May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
You Might Also Like
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will