May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
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Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby