May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
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Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I hate my earbuds.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
May have had one breakfast too many
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.