May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
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A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Realize this:
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.