May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
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its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Plant care tips
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho