May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
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nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Me when my alarm goes off
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have