Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.