Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.