May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
You Might Also Like
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape