Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1185190539530002434/pu/vid/720x1280/W6NFPPyJB5oyJYgw.mp4?tag=10

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

Autocorrect is my menesis

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.