“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
