“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
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my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Breakfast for Stoners:
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.