“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
