May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials