Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Phones down.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.