Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

Got him!

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”