Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.