May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead