May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
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14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what