May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
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Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
