May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
You Might Also Like
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture