May you never lose your sense of wonder.
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?