“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Inside you there are two wolves
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Yes