May your day taste like creamy soup.
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probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.