May your day taste like creamy soup.
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Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Worlds greatest photobomb
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
the duality of man
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.