May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
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If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.