may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
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I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Breaking news:
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
When your parents check you’re ok.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
