may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
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[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”