Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I already tried new things thanks.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?