“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
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I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”