Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.