Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the dentist sees

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year