Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
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I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.