Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

You Might Also Like


It’s not a crime of arson so much as it’s a crime of passion but okay, judgy fire investigator guy


At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”



“Uhhh, OKCupid?”



Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”


Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.


To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.


you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower


If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”


ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors


Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?

Farmer: The cattle eat it

Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat


Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine