Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
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*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Leonardo DiCaprisun
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend